1. It is forbidden to use one syllable where ten will do. Moreover, additional syllables shall under no circumstances lead to increased clarity.

2. Jokes about God running out of virgins for suicide bombers to shag, or other jokes at the expense of Islam are “offensive”. In contrast, jokes about Catholic priests shagging choirboys, or any other joke about Christianity constitute “humour”. And the fact that Catholic priests sometimes really do shag choirboys is irrelevant: as it rightly points out in the British race hatred law, and the proposed religious hatred law, the truth is no defence.

3. Adjectives with any sort of negative resonance are forbidden. Instead, the equivalent positive sounding adverb shall be used followed by the word “challenged”.

4. The validity of a statement depends not on the statement itself, but on who said it. A shining example was the British Home Office (aka Ministry of Thought Control) which in 2005 said that a statement critical of Islam by a respectable newspaper would probably be acceptable, whereas the same statement by an anti immigration organisation might result in prosecution.

5. No culture is inferior to any other: for example Saddam Hussein’s “I kill anyone who disagrees with me” culture is in no way inferior to the glories of Ancient Greece or Islam at its zenith.

6. Those without the talent to make their mark by doing something worthwhile shall be encouraged to draw attention to themselves by advocating the patently absurd. I.e. political correctness more or less equals vandalism. But this is nothing to worry about.

7. Where a high priest of political correctness contradicts him or herself, it shall be deemed that no self-contradiction took place. For example Trevor Phillips, head of the UK’s commission on racial equality claimed in 2004 that those with doubts about multiculturalism were “xenophobes” and “racists”. Six weeks later he had a change of heart and decided there were a few question marks to be put over multiculturalism. Looking up the documentary source of Trevor Phillips’ self contradiction is forbidden, but for the really curious see The Guardian 16.2.04 and The Times 3.4.04.

8. Incitement to murder is an offence, except when perpetrated by ethnic minorities, e.g. Muslims carrying large banners urging the murder of those publishing the “Danish cartoons” The Police shall assist this incitement to murder, e.g. by preventing anyone interfering with the incitement, as they did in heroic fashion in London on 3rd Feb 2006 in connection with the “Muslims versus Danish cartoonists contest”. (Pictures of the banners were available at the time of writing at http://www.tfa.net/pho10.html )

In contrast to incitement to murder that takes the form of words and letters a foot high and displayed in broad daylight, there is incitement to murder or bomb scribbled in notebooks found in dingy flats. The latter shall constitute a crime as this sort of stuff keeps those derring-do secret services chaps employed, plus it makes it look as though the “war on terror” actually exists, as opposed to being a figment of Bush and Blair’s imagination.

9. Where the laws of Physics conflict with political correctness, the laws of Physics are at fault.

10. All literature, however unreadable, boring and irrelevant shall be trawled through with a view to finding something offensive to Islam, which in turn will give Muslims another grievance to nurse. You are strenuously urged not to read the Satanic Verses as you are likely to die of boredom. But if you do meet your demise this way, and since as yet undiscovered insults to Islam may lie in this book, you will be rewarded with the regulation seventy virgins as an when stocks can be replenished.

11. All races are equal in all respects. The fact that negroes win all the medals in sprint events at the Olympics proves all races can sprint equally fast. And the fact that Blacks and Whites get fifty times as many songs in the top ten as Orientals and Arabs proves all races have the same musical ability.

12. Statements on any social issue which make sense are forbidden. In contrast, theses or papers of two thousand words or more on any social issue which are totally meaningless shall result in academic preferment. A laudable example here was the New York physicist who wrote a deliberately and completely meaningless paper and had it accepted and published in a reputable social science journal (see http://www.drizzle.com/~jwalsh/sokal/articles/erich.html ).

For those worried that they may have written something that makes sense, there are web-sites which for a small fee, will produce totally meaningless computer generated papers, complete with references to real books, papers, etc.

13. Every effort shall be made to denigrate one’s own culture and laud other cultures regardless of their relative worth. The differential treatment of cartoons mocking Islam and Christianity in No 2 above are a shining example. Other laudable examples occur in the BBC web-sites on Islam and Christianity. The one on Islam says that words imparted to Muhammad “were the words of God”, whereas the one on Christianity says that Jesus “claimed he spoke with the authority of God” and that accounts of his resurrection were “put about by his believers”.

14. The possession of unregistered firearms shall be illegal. However where ethnic minority leaders are in possession of unregistered firearms, this shall be overlooked for as long as possible. The arrest of Abu-Hamza a mere seven years after the police knew there were firearms in his mosque is deplorable. A period of more like seventeen years is recommended, during which time ethnic minority leaders can hopefully do some real damage.

15. Diversity is one of the supreme virtues. For example, a population half of whom had a limb missing would be more diverse than a more normal population, which proves it’s a good idea to cut off one of your limbs.

The use of the word diverse as a synonym for multicultural is to be applauded because the word diverse used to have just one meaning, whereas it is now ambiguous; and the more ambiguous words we have, the more the English language is degraded.

The fact that diversity is desirable where it consists of desiderata, and the fact that the opposite of diversity, namely uniformity, could be advocated on the same grounds shall be ignored. That is, the fact that advocating diversity amounts to nothing more than the inane proposition that “we desire the desirable” shall not be mentioned.

The Sharpener: Quaking under the jackboot of political correctness. Or not Recently a hawkish hack writer in the Times and Spectator, among other places, published a pamphlet through Civitas, entitled The Retreat of Reason* ([1], [2]), in which he argu…

I also use words like ‘ideology’ but I definitely do not believe PC is next movement in human thought. ‘Multiculturalism’, another ill-defined and misused phrase, is a much better candidate.

It’s sometimes rather my style to extrapolate from the work of other bloggers which sometimes ends up with me being accused of launching and ad hominem attack on the author when all I’m doing is referring to their work to illustrate a particular point.

As for Browne’s ‘book’, I must get round to commenting on it properly but the central problem I see in it is that it’s not, at heart, an attack on policitical correctness - nor is it particularly reasoned either - but an attempt to validate a reactionary agenda by tapping into the current anti-PC zeitgeist. Some of his contentions such as the suggestion that political correctness in preventing the privatisation of the NHS are plain laughable.

You’re right about Big Ron, but one would hope that people of a younger generation would not even think it, never having heard the word in common usage.

Language and attitudes have always been loaded, if not necessarily aimed. Linton Kwesi Johnson made a rather good poem out of words that begin with “black” and have a negative connotation. There are rather a lot of them. PC does no more than what Mr Johnson does here. Being aware on how your actions effect others use to be called politeness but I gather that has gone out of fashion.

DKs point is accurate - as Mr Ron Atkinson has unwittingly proved in his recorded “nigger” reference. However, I think it is the recognition we now have that such things are wrong that stopped everyone mulling over it for too long.