You’re not going out dressed like that!

What else could a parent say to their daughter, this Saturday evening? Or is it simply none of their business?

this-girl-took-us-to-churchOn social media, a friend shares the above exchange, on the subject of sexual assault and the clothes women wear.  The responses to the guy who compares women’s bodies to a bank vault are as good a refutation of this line of thinking as any you will see. (h/t Noodlemaz, and here’s a link to the conversation on Tumblr if you want to reblog it.)

There was more debate in the comments to this image.  One person (again, a man) said that refraining from dressing in a provocative manner was just being “realistic” about human nature. He seemed not to have considered the idea that, as thinking beings, a man who forces himself on a woman is not succumbing to human nature, just accepting without question the worst messages of our sexist culture.

This is a blinkered outlook.  There is nothing to say that our society cannot be changed and made better.  Whenever anyone resorts to the idea that something is “human nature” we must remind them that this observation is unlikely to be correct… And even if it were, that should be the start of the conversation, not the end of it.

This chat has got me thinking about Chrissie Hynde’s recent memoir, in which she appears to shoulder the blame for a sexual assault she suffered at the hands of a motorcycle gang.  I also recall the controversy during the Labour leadership campaign where Jeremy Corbyn said he would consult on the idea of women-only train carriages. Both of those stories are about the same issue as the debate above: the shifting of blame from the actual perpetrators of a sex crime onto victims; and the associated idea that there is something inherent in male Homo sapiens that makes such assaults inevitable.  The long term approach must be to challenge that underlying assumption, and to haul our culture into a place where women are safe in public, whatever they are wearing.

How might this come about?  There is clearly an onus on parents, and fathers in particular, to raise their sons as feminists1. And daughters obviously need to be reminded that the way someone dresses has no bearing on blame in any kind of assault.  No woman “asks for it” and culpability always lies with the abuser.

This is all very well. But for me it raises a crucial question: what are parents to do in the short term?  The principle is solid.  But does it work in practice?

This very weekend, many parents will be confronted with the sight of their son or daughter preparing to go out, dressed in very little! On Saturday evening, what should be the response of a mother or a father as their daughter descends the stairs dressed in a manner that, in previous times, we would have called provocative.  Our culture, and more specifically, the blokes at the party, pub and club, will not begin to treat women equally before closing time.  So the parent calculates that, without assigning blame, the chances of something unpleasant happening to their teenaged daughter are increased.

In that moment, the temptation to endorse the ‘human nature’ fallacy and to yell “you’re not going out dressed like that” will surely be far to great to resist. And when that happens, I don’t think that the parents should be condemned for their pragmatism.

So how can parents act on their instincts to protect in the short term, while not endorsing  our sexist culture and sowing the same erroneous beliefs into the minds of the next generation?

I suspect that the reason I find this so challenging is because I, too, am stuck with certain assumptions and mentally walled in by certain norms, which contribute to the very problem described above. So I ask for advice in breaking out: What else could a parent say to their daughter, this Saturday evening? Or is it simply none of their business?

1. Or feminist allies depending on whether or not you think men, as beneficiaries of our patriarchal culture, can be feminists.

3 thoughts on “You’re not going out dressed like that!”

  1. I can’t find the original, but it goes something like this:

    “What you’re really saying when you tell girls and women to ‘take precautions’ is ‘Let’s make sure he rapes the other girl'”

    Which might help to put it in perspective. The onus has to be on parents of sons teaching them to respect women as people, not to see them as objects, not to force advances that are clearly unwanted (or just not clearly wanted – enthusiastic consent all around). Go out and have fun, flirt with people you like, but know what assault is.

    Respect boundaries. Know that what women wear doesn’t define their interest in you, it’s just a choice of clothing probably more for herself than anyone else, and you are owed no one’s attention, no one’s body – if someone likes you, go along with it if you want. Women usually have desires of their own, and also have to deal with rejection.

    Ignore ‘pick-up artists’, they’re rapists and they’re teaching you to treat women like objects, which is the path to becoming a criminal.

    It is because people aren’t teaching men and boys this that we have the problem. Endlessly raising the stakes for women to self-preserve and avoid the mysterious cause of ‘getting raped’ helps no one. There is no need to comment on a girl’s appearance. We know to buddy up in bathrooms, we know to protect our drinks, we know #notallmen are rapists and that some most certainly are. And protecting ourselves just means he moves on to someone else. And that someone was probably told the exact same things.

    I can’t be more positive than that really.

    1. Marianne, you absolutely nail it.
      I will only add — it starts very early. Parents of boys have a huge responsibility (which they often fail, it seems). If the entitlement attitude is not caught early, once the pack behaviours of adolescence set in, there’s no hope, frankly.

  2. But further to your point Rob, which is what to do.
    I am a firm feminist but I would also probably say “you aren’t going out in that” or some variant on that, not because I’m embarrassed of said child showing skin, or necessarily out of worry of them being preyed upon (though that is a worry), but because truly dressing for oneself rarely involves mimicking the clubgoers of Newcastle on a Saturday night.
    I think my husband and I are in agreement — weird is good.
    Weird is your own style, which is really about you and not about attracting the opposite sex or one-upping your same-sex friends either.
    Weird was an awfully good cloak for me for many years, when I didn’t know what to do with male attention (often from much, much older men) and I really think weird kept me safe.
    At least, it worked for me. Maybe it will work for other young women in my life — so I’ll keep preaching the gospel of “keep it weird”.

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