Stalinist Santa?

Tis now the season to be jolly, so I have posted something festive over at The Sharpener: Would you let this man into your home?
It concerns the politics of Father Christmas, who by my analysis is a dangerous Stalinist. If you think he is of a different political hue, then please do visit The Sharpener and set me straight.


Now reproduced in full, below.

There’s a crude and simple way to distinguish, should you care to, your right from your left. Waistlines.

I’ve been reading Paul’s polemic, which states that Left-wingers are fatter than Right-wingers. It occurs to me that Father Christmas is a well-known fat bastard, famous for (among other things) scoffing mince-pies and slurping sherry that is not his own, at fire-places up and down this land. He would definitely be a ‘Lefty’ by Paul’s criteria.
This hypothesis is certainly backed up by other facts too. He wears red tunic, long time favourite colour of the revolutionary left. And of course he is interested in the systemised redistribution of presents, in apparent disregard of market forces.
Don’t let that beard and Norwegian charm fool you. This guy is no hippie. He is a dangerous authoritarian. If you do not conform to his insidious conception of ‘nice’ you risk being classified ‘naughty’ and denied basic presents. Everyone is kept under surveillance, parents are turned into informants on their own children and Santa catalogues the good deeds and the bad. What is more, he can only deliver his presents if he keeps a comprehensive computerised database of names and chimney locations. It is only a matter of time before this information is shared with the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny, and before you know it a cheeky request on a Christmas list from five years ago could see you lose all profits from your tooth harvest.
Its not as if the system fosters any kind of equality anyway. We all know that although Santa’s ‘presents for all populism might appear to treat each case on its merits, but when the service is applied on the ground we find evidence of blatant institutional racism. It is a well-known fact that Father Christmas is less likely to visit children from Muslim, Hindu and Sikh families. Yes yes, we’ve all heard the excuse about a lack of available chimneys, but I notice that Santa will gladly slip in through the French windows for middle-class atheist families. He is also happy to pocket the filthy shill from Coca-cola Company for corporate sponsorship, but do you see the elves getting a pay-rise? No, the fat bastard Father Christmas is a Lefty in name only.
Time was when young people would have cared about the questionable ethics of their largest benefactor. But not this generation. Oh no. The ‘me’ generation too busy talking about X-boxes and X-factor to even consider whether Santa’s seal-skin boots were bought Fair Trade or not. They see the presents dangled in front of their eyes, and once again they fall for his patter. They will let him into their bedrooms, and there is nothing the parents can do about it. Only when Santa has sledged off into the night sky will the parents be called to sort out the misery in his wake. Once again, the cumbersome, centralised, present giving system will not have supplied batteries for the presents, and decent, hard-working parents will be called in to pick-up the tab.

4 Replies to “Stalinist Santa?”

  1. I know nothing about politics but i’m suprised, in today’s society, that santa hasn’t been hit with numerous court injunctions for breaking and entering:
    n. 1) the criminal act of entering a residence or other enclosed property through the slightest amount of force (even pushing open a door), without authorization.
    squeezing a fat man down a chimney, i’m sure, requires alot more force than pushing open a door. maybe he spends the first half of the year meeting with his lawyers and making court appearances. no doubt the odd out of court settlement.
    another thing, how is such a prominent celebrity, not hauled throught the pages of the tabloids and gossip magazines for his less than perfect physique, health and fashion sense.

  2. You sound as if you might be a police man. I am sure you know that you can’t take someone to court unless the householder is prepared to press charges and why would you press charges when your “burglar” has left all those nice pressies!

  3. With any luck on the policeman front!!
    You hear all sorts of stories, for example, of first aiders who save someone’s life but then get taken to court because the patient hadn’t given their consent to being saved!
    With this type of attitude, i reckon some homeowners aren’t gonna let a few nice pressies stand in the way of pressing charges to earn a generous compensation package!!!

  4. So we had better enjoy Santa while we can. Soon as he cottons on to the risks he is running he will stay in bed instead of setting off in the snow to deliver his pressies. Eight redundant reindeer!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.